Preparation Checklist

Below is a summary of some of the to-do items necessary in planning a memorial service. With so much going on we hope this list helps give you some direction and ideas at an already difficult and demanding time.

• Notify all the appropriate persons of your loved one's passing.
  Some prefer just to notify immediate family only until they've had a few days to start dealing with the grief. Rose Kennedy was a huge advocate of waiting until the morning to notify family of a passing. She always felt that "bad news can always wait until morning". This may be incredibly wise as it gives people all day to process the news rather than the nighttime which can seem so long and dark upon learning sad news.
  
  Do realize that once the news gets "out", you will be contacted by many well-wishers, phone calls, drop-by's, mail, flowers, etc. So it's up to you to decide how much contact you would like at this time.

  Who to Notify
  Here is a suggested list of primary people to notify once you are ready to release the news of your loved one's passing:
  

  • Spouse
  • Children
    
  • Parents
    
  • Siblings
    
  • Minister or religious officiant
    
  • Friends
    
  • Business Associates
    
  • Organizations they belonged to
  
  It is perfectly acceptable to have a close friend or other family member either help you make or make all the phone calls on their own to the appropriate person(s) listed above. Although letter- writing is a perfectly fine way to notify distant family and friends, it is more appropriate to notify immediate family and friends via the telephone because of the urgency.
  
  Also, you will have people asking you to where they can send flowers. Decide in advance if you'd like flowers or if you would prefer to have a donation sent to a favorite charity on behalf of your passed loved one instead. Make your wishes known to everyone so the word gets out.
  See our guide to choosing appropriate flowers.
  
  
  
• The obituary:
  This is entirely optional, and some are opting not to do this for many reasons these days (two of which are privacy and security), but it is traditional and it may bring comfort to know that you have made a public announcement. If you are working with a funeral home, they usually automatically take care of the obituary for you. Let them know if you prefer NOT to have this done.
  
  If you choose to take care of the obituary on your own, however, contact your local newspapers for when and how to submit the information. Typical information in an obituary includes: surviving spouse and children, address of deceased, birth date and location, education, military service, career, awards and achievements, and a brief sentence or two about the deceased's life and how they will be remembered. Sometimes memorial service and/or funeral service information is also included. If you don't want the entire community at the service, make sure you make a note that the service is for family or invited guests only to avoid drop-ins.
  
  
  
• Decide on what type of service your loved one would have wanted.
  Low-key, informal, formal, somber, fun, or perhaps a celebration? Most people do not know the difference between a funeral and a memorial service:
  
  
  • A funeral is a service where the body is present.
  • A memorial service is a service where the body is not present.
  
  
  
• Decide on what your budget is.
  Perhaps there is an allotted fund from which you can draw to plan the service. Perhaps you need to draw on your own financial resources or have the family pool their money. Either way, with some careful planning, you should be able to have a lovely gathering and incorporate what your loved one would have wanted, and NOT go into debt over it. The funeral business is just that: a business. It is not wise to make financial decisions emotionally. The job of the funeral proprietor is to expose you to the myriad of options but they do not typically automatically offer you cost-saving tips. Always have a good friend or family member help you make major decisions and keep things in check at a time like this. Of course, most funeral businesses are honest and have skilled, kind professionals who are not only experienced in dealing with grieving people, but can carefully help "hold your hand", help you assess your budget and guide you in the right direction of planning the perfect memorial service.
  
  
  
• Set a date and place for the burial (if applicable), service and reception and book it
  Although it should be sooner rather than later, you may have to be flexible due to availability of reception space, place of worship, etc. A useful resource for finding your ideal memorial service reception location is WeddingLocation.com, a full service directory of special event facilities that specialize in professionalism and attention to detail. The professionals at these sites are experts in orchestrating memorable occasions.
  
  
  
• Notify the clergy of the kind of service, when it will be, etc.
  
  
  
• Send out invitations.
  If there is a funeral, the invitations are usually done by phone calls, since there is such short notice. With the advent of the Internet, email can also be a convenient and timely way to communicate details of a memorial event. If there is a memorial service, you may have more time and thus the ability to print up invitations in advance. A variety of tasteful choices are available on KaysCards.com. Verbal or written invitations should indicate the date, time, and place of the service and reception. To order/create invitations, there are many home computer programs, or you can go to your local stationer. If one aspect of the service is for a select few guests only (such as family-only for a burial), simply indicate to all that there will be a private, by invitation-only family burial following the service and/or reception. It is important that this is clearly indicated to all as word may get out that there is a burial and everyone may either automatically assume they are invited or there may be confusion.
  
  
  
• Buy a guest book.
  Place a sign at the service encouraging guests to not only write their names and addresses, but messages and thoughts to the surviving family members.
  
  
  
• If having a funeral, decide who will be your pallbearers.
  
  
  
• Decide on and notify your key speaker(s).
  Be very clear about the length, content, or if there are any sensitive issues that you would NOT like brought up.
  
  
  
• Involve children in reading a favorite poem, biblical passage, etc. Have them be guest book attendants.
  
  
  
• Designate an “MC" of sorts who will have a master list of the order of service and can move things along.
  Sometimes the minister or officiant does this. Other times it's a family member or close friend who can emotionally provide enough strength to orchestrate the sequence of events of the service.
  
  
  
• Select special music.
  It can be favorites of your loved one, a blend of comforting hymns in which everyone participates, rock and roll, classical, etc.
  
  
  
• Decide on your ushers.
  There should always be pre-assigned people to stand near the parking lot, at the entrance of the service and in the service to assist guests as they arrive.
  
  
  
• Consider producing a program for the service showing the order of readings, speakers, music, favorite poems, thoughts and/or photos of your loved one with their family over the years, etc.
  
  It is also nice to list the officiant's, pallbearers' (if applicable) and ushers' names as well as immediate spouse and children (if applicable). A program is especially thoughtful to guests. You can either design a program on a home computer and make copies at your local photocopying service or have a professional design it for you. Most major photocopying stores have graphic artists on staff who can design for you.
  
  
  
• Order flowers
  (see recommendations on what types of flowers to order)
  Consider special boutonnieres and corsages for the deceased spouse, children or key people like ushers, speakers, etc.
  
  
  
• Select your reception menu
  Your catering manager at your reception facility is experienced in all types of events. Ask him/her what they recommend given your budget and the style you want. They are the experts in implementing a beautiful reception. Contrary to popular belief, buffets and hors d'oeuvres are not typically the least expensive; but they offer the opportunity for guests to interact and mix and mingle. A plated meal is more formal and while perhaps more convenient, encourages guests to stay at their tables and not interact as much. With everything going on, remember to give your catering manager your final count at least three days prior to your event. Once you give your final numbers, you may add to it, but it may not be decreased.
  
  
  
• Hire an Event Coordinator for the day of the Memorial Service
  You already have enough to think about. The Event Coordinator will be there the day of to get everyone set up to speak, reserve seating for the service for immediate family up front, place key speakers in aisle seats so they can get up and down with ease, distribute corsages and boutonnieres, position ushers at their posts, and in general, just make sure everything flows. WeddingLocation.com provides an array of locations nation and worldwide whose professional staffs will ensure the details of your memorial reception are tended to with the utmost of care and professionalism.

• Look your best
• Focus on the idea that you are there to celebrate the life of your loved one. It will help you relax.
• Don't be hesitant to ask for help and accept it from friends and relatives, even if you just want to have someone else by your side.
• Make sure you have a handkerchief or plenty of pocket Kleenex.
• If you are a woman, wear waterproof mascara.
• Do whatever feels right feels right to you.
  If you need to feel in charge and make sure everything is going well, do it. If you cry every time the name of your loved one is mentioned, that is okay. Remember, people are coming here to honor your loved one and support you. You do not have to be the host unless you want to be.

• Contact the executor of the passed loved one's will
  
  Documents that are important for the settling of one's estate include:
  • birth certificate
  • marriage license
  • property deeds
  • automobile titles
  • insurance policies
  • pensions
  • income tax records
  • bank records
  • bonds
  • securities
  • stock certificates
  • etc.

The Internet

One thing to consider is the increasingly important role of the internet in uniting loved ones from all over the world to celebrate the life of the one who has passed on. On Eulogycast.com, one can set up or view a memorial service of a loved one and order flowers for him/her online. It is basically a one-stop site where one can take care of the details involved with a memorial or funeral service and have guests united from all over the world.

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